INTOXICANT EMOTIONS
Judging from the huge numbers of books available at your local bookstores on the subject of “recovery" and all the movies and talk shows touching on sensitive psychological and spiritual issues, it appears that we are, indeed, living in an age of enlightenment.
Certainly there is no denying the tremendous progress humankind has made toward developing a saner, kinder, and more compassionate society. With all our progress, however, a little understood yet potentially deadly disease secretly afflicts a surprisingly huge number of us. The disease is addiction to "intoxicant emotions" – sometimes referred to as "adrenaline addiction" by professionals involved with "children of trauma" and/or "children of alcoholics."
This disease, however, is not yet a topic you are likely to see discussed on a network talk show. The computer at your local library will not present you an array of books on the subject, and, rest assured no one will invite you to an intervention or suggest you invite someone else to one.
What are intoxicant emotions? All emotions can be intoxicating, and all have the potential to be addictive. An addict, by at least one dictionary’s definition, "gives him or herself habitually or compulsively" to whatever becomes the "drug of choice". In this case we refer to the individual who is addicted to certain negative emotions that cause experiences that are intoxicating, and result in a mind-altered state of being.
Of course, just taking a drug or experiencing negative emotions does not automatically imply addiction. Today we generally use the term "addicted" in reference to a person who is experiencing "problems" in his or her life as a result of habitual and compulsive involvement with substances or behaviors.
Rarely do people have "problems" with positive emotions. Negative emotions, on the other hand, can be extremely destructive, extremely bad for your health and even deadly. Negative emotions are intoxicating feelings resulting from the body's production of certain secretions, or what we shall refer to as "chemicals" manufactured and released by various organs and/or glands.
We're all familiar with the "adrenaline rush" experience. Amusement park rides, horror movies and parachuting are but a few examples of activities producing "adrenaline rushes" for which we are willing to pay with our hard earned dollars. These experiences bring us face to face in real or contrived and imaginary situations with our own mortality. In short, we're scared. But we like it. And we will come back time and again for more, because the experience is "intoxicating".
The intoxication results from the adrenal glands secreting a chemical called epinephrine, more commonly referred to as adrenaline. It is addiction to chemicals or secretions similar to and including adrenaline that we shall refer to as "negative emotion addiction".
Let us examine a sampling of negative emotion addicts. This group of individuals experience many symptoms of drug addiction but do not necessarily, in the context in which we are discussing them, have a problem with overindulgence in alcohol or other drugs “ingested in the normal way we think of as “taking drugs.”
These individuals, commonly referred to as co-dependents, have become quite famous. And, that they do have a "problem" is a widely accepted fact. Unfortunately they are considered to have a problem for which they are not assigned exclusive ownership. This shared responsibility concept greatly limits their powers to heal themselves from what is in reality a chemical addiction and a disease of exclusive ownership.
Examining the concept of negative emotion addiction may appear to be a matter of semantics more than anything. And yes, it is true that we are exploring the impact of what we “call” a particular human condition normally referred to as “co-dependence.” But in this case what we “call” this condition might make a huge difference in how we combat the “problems” that arise from these particular behaviors. So let us take apart the dynamics of co-dependence and see if zeroing in more concisely on what is actually happening might help to redefine how to approach this very common condition.
First we must question how, indeed, a "co" disease could possibly exist? One either has a disease, or does not have a disease. It just isn't possible to share a disease or have someone else's disease. It is unfortunate and misleading that these individuals have been defined as having a "co" disease. Semantics? Yes. But in this case calling the problem by a misleading name can drastically stifle possibilities of recovery.
Dr. Daniel Budenz, a Southern California psychologist, worked for many years with alcoholics and drug abusers and their families and friends. He offers a more realistic solution to this problem and his hypothesis can help us to understand that a disease labeled "co" simply does not do justice to the real issues that one commonly referred to as "co" dependent experiences. Rather than referring to the problem as a "co-disease," Dr. Budenz attributes the dilemma to a series of specific negative feelings. These six emotions are: shame, guilt, worry, anger, resentment and self-pity. They involve secretions manufactured by the body, among them adrenaline. His theory explains that people who have experienced these emotions in their relationships with addicts or through other traumatic life experiences, have unwilling and unwittingly "used" and ultimately become addicted to the secretions associated with shame, guilt, worry, anger, resentment and self-pity.
This unconscious beginning is not unlike addiction to drugs from external sources. Addicts do not simply arise one morning and decide to destroy their lives by becoming dependent on dangerous substances. The beginning of any addiction is generally innocent; being motivated by a desire to simply feel good or not feel so bad. The early behaviors are seemingly innocuous and certainly unconscious.
Studies confirm that the chemicals we manufacture in our own bodies can be a thousand times more powerful than heroin. Certainly anyone who has experienced extreme rage, or crippling worry can report that every part of his or her body was involved in the emotion/s. Common symptoms that might occur with any of the six intoxicant emotions are: trembling, tingling, hyperventilation, light headedness, clammy hands, headache, inability to concentrate, digestive/intestinal distress, etc. Unless one is physically ill, these symptoms do not manifest without the presence of internally manufactured or externally induced chemicals that begin with and are induced by our thoughts. The chemicals are produced as the result of the mind reacting to a situation by unconsciously ordering the body to manufacture the chemicals in varying doses, which in turn affects one's consciousness in the same way as with the use of other mind-altering substances.
Based on Dr. Budenz' hypothesis, it would appear, then, that co-dependents are actually chemical dependents and should more realistically be referred to as addicts than as people having any kind of a “co” affliction. Addicts are resourceful and creative, and a practicing addict will devise ingenious schemes to obtain his or her drug of choice. Is it any wonder that the negative emotion addict will choose a life script rich in possibilities, or more appropriately probabilities, for experiencing these six intoxicant emotions?
Typically people addicted to intoxicant emotions are told instead that they are co- dependent and as such are cautioned that, or it is eluded to that they are addicted to the people in their lives. Perhaps if we consider the people to whom one supposedly is addicted as liken to the liquor store or the dealer, rather than the substance itself, we would have a better way to hold this disease that might accelerate recovery rather than keeping the intoxicant emotion addict in a cloud of confusion.
To say it is the "people" to whom we are addicted would be the same as to say an alcoholic is addicted to the liquor store rather than to the drug (liquor) that the liquor store provides the alcoholic, for a price. In the end, what people who are chemically dependent want is the effects of the chemical - the feeling of being distracted from the discomfort of reality. That the altered mental state might be uncomfortable as well, but in a different way than reality, seems to be of little interest to addicts. As long as reality is avoided, whatever serves that end is desirable.
To a cocaine addict, the dealer is the source or provider of the substance. The dealer gives the substance to the addict in exchange for something. To a negative emotion addict, the people to whom one supposedly is addicted can more realistically be likened to dealers who are providing a reasonable way for the addict to "use" or be provided with one or more of the six intoxicant emotions. For any addict, the end, which we could say is use of the chemical of choice, justifies the means; the "means" being the provider of the chemical. The chemical might be cocaine or it might be adrenaline. Whoever or whatever helps to provide the chemical is an enabler.
People commonly referred to as co-dependent are often also labeled as enablers to drug addicts because they often help the addict acquire the drugs. But even more often they facilitate the drug use by providing a haven, a reason for using, a scapegoat, and/or a protector. In the same way, a drug addict or alcoholic is an enabler for a negative emotion addict since the alcoholic or drug addict helps to provide the negative emotion addict with his or her drug of choice, in addition to providing a haven, a reason for negative emotions, a scapegoat and/or a protector.
A practicing negative emotion addict will often experience discomfort when his or her recovering alcoholic or drug addict either becomes sober, or in other ways ceases to create (provide) crisis. When the crisis stops, the negative emotion addict often feels at a loss. Many wonder if death feels like the nothingness they experience when not in crisis.
Withdrawal symptoms are common, including headache, agitation without reason, and depression. These feelings often come at a time when there is newfound peace in the household; at a time when logically one would experience relief from the high stress circumstances of living with a practicing alcoholic or drug addict. There is often an unconscious longing for the days of excitement - the familiar and distracting adrenaline rushes, for example. The negative emotion addict will often unconsciously antagonize the recovering alcoholic or addict, if he or she is still available, in order to perhaps instigate a relapse and restore the more familiar crisis filled lifestyle.
If their addict does not go back to using, the "co", with unbelievable frequency, is likely to find another addict or another life script that will provide them the familiar negative intoxicant emotions.
No surprise, then, in the story about the person who claims, "Just my luck, I've married four alcoholics in a row." This statement is often followed with the tongue in cheek statement, "Boy, I really know how to pick ’em." The tongue in cheek part tells the greatest truth of all for, indeed, the picking of four addicts in a row is a perfect record for a person hooked on intoxicant emotions. It is estimated that negative emotion addiction affects four times as many persons as alcoholism or drug abuse. These very large numbers cause the tendency toward denial to become an issue of far reaching social unconsciousness. It is not a bit surprising, therefore, that the "co" ness theory and label persist. The "co" ness theory in effect says, "I have this problem because of you. I would not have it if it weren't for you. I'm going to work on my own recovery and learn to be happy so I can cope with you, let you be, ignore you, leave you, love you, etc." The "co" concept provides diversion and confusion for an individual who is, in reality, addicted to internally produced chemicals and has perhaps been addicted to these intoxicant emotions for most of a lifetime. The word "co-dependent", while found in countless self-help books these days, is not found in most dictionaries. Perhaps this newly coined word defies logical definition. American Heritage defines "co": 1. With: Together, joint; jointly. 2. Partner or associate in an activity; subordinate or assistant. 3. To the same extent or degree. 4. Complement of an angle. American Heritage defines "dependent": 1. Contingent upon something or someone else. 2. Subordinate. 3. Relying on or requiring the aid of another for support. 4. Hanging down. One who relies on another for support. The sum of definitions for the label "co-dependent" implies the necessity of "other" involvement, leading us to believe that this disease does not exist outside of partnership. Is it any wonder that a visitor to an Alanon meeting will very often find the same people tearfully struggling with the same issues for years, often experiencing little movement toward serenity and recovery. Meanwhile his or her recovering addict may be happily enjoying sobriety and serenity, clear that their disease is a personal issue. The sanctioned addict, or we might say the person who we are "willing" to call an addict, has been afforded ownership rather than partnership in the matter. He or she can more easily work a recovery program because there is clarity with regard to who "owns" the disease. Taking the disease of "co-dependence" out of the category of a partner- ship disease is vitally important. The concept of intoxicant emotion addiction explains many aspects of addiction in general. For example, it is a commonly accepted fact that before a person uses "hard" drugs (cocaine, crack, etc.), they have usually used substances considered less threatening and more socially acceptable such as alcohol, marijuana or prescription drugs. In any recovery program, the newly sober addict is ALWAYS cautioned that use of these seemingly less dangerous chemicals while in recovery, will eventually lead to use of the harder drugs. Almost every addict who has relapsed will report that, before they called their cocaine dealer, they had been drinking alcohol, smoking marijuana and/or using prescription drugs.
If we consider the validity of Dr. Budenz' theory of addiction to intoxicant emotions and, if we can accept that each one of the six negative emotions involves powerful chemicals, we can also be 100% certain that before alcohol or other chemicals, one or more intoxicant emotions were experienced prior to a relapse to hard drugs. In other words, the very first link in the chain of addiction IS intoxicant emotions. This is acknowledged by the emphasis placed on prayers and slogans of Alcoholics Anonymous programs including Narcotics Anonymous, Alanon, etc. The importance of serenity in keeping sober is constantly stressed. The Serenity Prayer, for example: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. If truly taken to heart, this prayer will benefit anyone in preventing the use of intoxicant emotions. Slogans such as "Easy Does It" and "Let Go and Let God" support the need for the recovering alcoholic or addict to keep him or herself negative emotion free. But the program has not yet embraced in any broad sense the reality that negative emotion addiction lies beneath the more obvious addictions to alcohol and/or drugs.
When a drug addict or alcoholic is able to abstain from the chemicals associated with the six intoxicant emotions, the next step - a drink or seemingly innocent smoke of marijuana might be avoided, and the eventual use of harder drugs as well.
But is it possible to "abstain" from an emotion? Isn't that just what the doctor does NOT order? Wouldn't that be "stuffing" feelings? And isn't the attempt to avoid these negative emotions what drove the addict to drugs in the first place?
By not recognizing negative/intoxicant emotion addiction as a legitimate disease, we deny the power and the danger of chemicals we manufacture in our own bodies when we indulge in shame, guilt, worry, anger, resentment and self-pity. We fail to respect the unconscious state wherein we voluntarily and intentionally use these chemicals. If we do not acknowledge the possibility that we do, in fact, and for reasons our unconscious understands, create negativity in our lives, then we cannot take responsibility for creating the resultant negative emotions.
If we cannot acknowledge and take responsibility for our own negative feelings, how then can we hope to abstain from shame, guilt, worry, anger, resentment and self-pity, rather than stuffing these emotions, or in other ways, such as drug or alcohol abuse, avoiding them?
The key, as with any addiction, is first dealing with our denial. And, as with any addiction, getting past our denial involves acknowledging a number of realities. First that the drug of choice exists. If we cannot accept that the chemicals we manufacture in our own bodies are powerful mind-altering drugs, the next step is impossible.
But if we are able to acknowledge that the internally manufactured chemicals produce results similar to externally induced drugs, we can then accept that we are, in fact, involved in their use. With these first steps you can see why the challenge of acknowledging one's use of adrenaline, for example, as a drug, is greater than with other chemicals.
Most people would simply say, "No, I don't believe that the chemicals associated with shame, guilt, worry, anger, resentment and self-pity are mind-altering chemicals equivalent to drugs. And further I don't believe that I `use' those emotions. I may experience those negative emotions often, but I certainly don't choose to have them. I just can't help it. That's the way I am and the circumstances of my life are just my bad luck."
Similarly the alcoholic might say, "No, I don't believe alcohol is a drug at all. It's legal and everybody's drinking it. I just drink to relax when I get home from work and on weekends when I socialize. And besides I wouldn't drink it at all if they (he, she, it, boss, mother, brother, sister, dog) didn't aggravate me. But I certainly don't have a problem."
Denial is denial, regardless of the chemical. And the tendency. to want to give away responsibility for the denied condition will exist whether the addiction is to heroin or to one, several or all of the six intoxicant emotions. The simple, but not easy acceptance that the chemicals exist and that one does indulge is a beginning, certainly. The hardest part for most is that a problem exists because of one's use of the drug.
Is there any difference between the two statements that follow? I am powerless over cocaine and my life has become unmanageable.
I am powerless over intoxicant emotions and my life has become unmanageable.
Obviously, there is no difference. The similarities in the above statements are many. And perhaps one of the most important similarities is that the process for recovery is the same for both. Or can be if one chooses to consider this theory as valid and useful.
One must abstain. In order to abstain from the intoxicant emotions, shame, guilt, worry, anger, resentment and self-pity, it is necessary to be able to identify feelings. Rather than stuffing one's emotions, or becoming unconscious about them, we must learn to call each emotion by its proper name. When experiencing resentment, for example, one must know the difference between what one thinks about what he or she feels, and what is actually felt. The critical aspect here is to learn the difference (very clearly) between thoughts and feelings.
To feel gut twisting resentment and state, "I feel like you've made me look stupid," is to deny the feeling by mental distraction and transference of ownership to the other person. This way of experiencing our intoxicant emotions will not allow us to abstain because we cannot own the emotion while trying to give it away with thoughts that its someone else’s problem.
Consider this perhaps more effective way of abstaining from an intoxicant emotion. "I feel resentful. I feel it in my gut and my chest. Resentment is one of the intoxicant emotions to which I am addicted. I can choose to continue to indulge myself in resentment or just say no. I am not a victim. I have the power within me to choose to not use resentment (and it’s associated chemicals) - just for today. I am aware that I will not be more effective in this situation if I choose to hold on to this resentment than I will be if I instead choose to let the resentment go and abstain from it - just for today."
As you can see, rather than stuffing feelings, one must be very clear about exactly what one is, in fact, feeling. One must be very clear about who is responsible for the feeling, and who chooses to accept or not accept the chemicals associated with whatever intoxicant emotion has been identified.
"I am powerless over cocaine and my life has become unmanageable." While in this dilemma "choice" seems remote or impossible for the cocaine addict. By virtue of our powerlessness, "choice" does not appear to be an option. But at this exact turning point of acknowledgement of powerlessness, one's power to "choose" is mysteriously restored.
Again, the similarity, "I am powerless over intoxicant emotions and my life has become unmanageable." The mystical aspects of recovery are set into motion when one's powerlessness is acknowledged. This phenomenon is truly mystical. The shift that takes place cannot be explained. When the energy to hold on to the emotion is released, the resultant personal power an individual will experience cannot be explained in any scientific terms. At this moment of truth, the addict, regardless of his or her chemical of choice, becomes the master of the disease, rather than its victim. As master, the addict does, indeed, have the power to choose - to just say NO! This phenomenon is demonstrated by the millions of courageous and sober addicts and alcoholics who have taken the first step and acknowledged their powerlessness.
And what mysterious dynamics bring about the sudden shift from victim to master? The simple and magical concept – coming face to face with the truth.
Honest human beings who wouldn't think of lying on their tax return, cheating their employer out of 10 minutes of work time, or fabricating an insurance claim, are more than willing to lie about the things that affect their lives in the most intimate and profound ways. They are willing to lie about their feelings. They will tell you they feel happy when in deep depression; or tell you and themselves that they are in love and overjoyed about it, when they are in reality exhilarated with unconscious worry about being abandoned; abandonment being one of our earliest and most primal fears.
There is exhilaration because the chemicals the body produces from the unconscious fear of (worry about) abandonment will produce a rush of energy that can be called by a number of names such as love, terror, ecstasy, euphoria, happiness, misery, etc. The dilemma for the negative emotion addict is that he or she is both intentionally creating and rejecting negative emotions, while very often calling them by names totally unrelated to the actual feeling.
Again, consider the similarity to the cocaine addict, who consciously desires to use, while simultaneously attempting to resist his or her substance. As an example, consider just one of the six negative emotions; anger. Suppose a negative emotion addict is in a rage, with chemicals flowing wildly through his or her body. This addict will be going through much the same process as any drug user; at times being completely out of touch with everyone, swept away by the powerful emotions. Other people around at the time may be the target of the anger and/or might be assigned blame for it. Despite their seemingly essential part in the episode, they will, nonetheless, be disregarded. The enraged person will be in an ungrounded and unconscious state.
The desire to stop may be quite strong but the physical condition created by the overload of chemicals will make stopping difficult at the peak of the episode. Eventually there will be peace because, of course, no high lasts forever. When the scene is finished the negative emotion user will be remorseful and probably more negative emotions will develop, this time perhaps in the form of shame, guilt and self-pity. He or she may decide not to forgive the person who was the target of the rage and can "pocket" the drug "resentment", calling on it at a later time.
Forgiveness is not something a negative emotion user is likely to practice very often since forgiveness in most cases would eliminate the intoxicant emotion of resentment. If the relationship between the negative emotion user and the target of the rage is important, worry over the outcome of the relationship may also be experience.
As you can see, a single explosive episode can create an opportunity for a negative emotion addict to engage in all of the six intoxicant emotions. A comparison to extreme rage might be a "binge" with a variety of drinks and drugs being ingested in greater than usual quantities by a practicing alcoholic/addict. Anyone who has ever been close to a practicing alcoholic will confirm that the same dynamics exist when a certain level of alcohol is used, differing from individual to individual.
At some point in the episode the drinker will be out of touch. Even a nice drunk, who does not get violent, will not be "present" during some part of an episode. Others present with a drunk person will be disregarded, because it is impossible for an intoxicated person to truly connect with others while in a mind- altered state of unconsciousness. Typically alcoholics and addicts will assign blame for their drinking to someone else. If an alcoholic would or could stop to think about what's really happening, he or she will usually experience self loathing, wish to quit, but feel compelled to go on drinking. When the alcoholic sobers up, which eventually will happen in this case as well, he or she will usually experience feelings similar to the enraged, negative emotion addict. Remorse, shame and guilt are typical. By recognizing the similarities to alcohol and drug addiction, the negative emotion addict is able to see clearly what course of action can be beneficial in planning a recovery program.
The ambiguity of the term "co-dependent" tends to leave us at a loss for clear definition of the problem. It is impossible to solve a problem or heal a disease when one cannot accurately defined the problem or diagnosed the disease.
If a journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step, one must at least be clear about where they stand as they begin the journey and one should be clear about in which direction they hope to proceed. The first step in a recovery program is to acknowledge one's powerlessness over his or her drug of choice.
That's clear enough when the drug of choice is alcohol or cocaine. But what if the drug of choice is actually negative emotions and the addict is being led to believe that the addiction is to people, places and things? What shall this addict abstain from? What is he or she REALLY powerless over?
Powerlessness, the inability to consciously choose, and denial, the unwillingness to tell the truth, are inseparable factors in the pain of addiction. And these factors are equally present in addiction to intoxicant emotions as they are in addiction to cocaine, alcohol or prescription drugs. In order to become master over the disease of negative/intoxicant emotion addiction, one must go through the same steps as other addicts.
The first step in both cases is acknowledging the truth. In the case of the negative emotion addict, the truth is that the chemicals the body manufacturers are real. The user is compulsively and habitually giving the body unconscious signals to inject the chemicals into the system. The truth is that the negative feelings are familiar and unconsciously craved for their mind-altering qualities.
This may not be logical but truth lacks logic, sense of humor, compassion and drama. The truth is simply, the truth.
When denial is abandoned, and instead we choose to look directly at what is true, our powerlessness over intoxicant emotions begins to diminish immediately just as is the case with any other addiction. Choice suddenly becomes an option. The awareness that feelings can be chosen, rather than stuffed, distorted, denied or avoided by using chemicals, can lead us into a serene and happy way of life.
Having taken the first step, one can simply, but not easily, apply all the other steps, rules, slogans, prayers and programs that have already been proven effective by millions of recovering alcoholics and addicts for decades. It is true, there is nothing new under the sun. There are, however, new ways of holding old problems. Perhaps our willingness to see things in new ways is what enlightenment is all about.
Certainly a new way of defining one's self can create a major and very positive shift in one's ability to find new solutions to old dilemmas. Dr. Budenz' theory on negative emotions provides us a new way of holding the disease of "co-dependence" that can result in just such a shift. This new way of looking at an old problem has the potential to bring about the results we want – peace and happiness.
INTOXICANT EMOTIONS
Judging from the huge numbers of books available at your local bookstores on the subject of “recovery" and all the movies and talk shows touching on sensitive psychological and spiritual issues, it appears that we are, indeed, living in an age of enlightenment.
Certainly there is no denying the tremendous progress humankind has made toward developing a saner, kinder, and more compassionate society. With all our progress, however, a little understood yet potentially deadly disease secretly afflicts a surprisingly huge number of us. The disease is addiction to "intoxicant emotions" – sometimes referred to as "adrenaline addiction" by professionals involved with "children of trauma" and/or "children of alcoholics."
This disease, however, is not yet a topic you are likely to see discussed on a network talk show. The computer at your local library will not present you an array of books on the subject, and, rest assured no one will invite you to an intervention or suggest you invite someone else to one.
What are intoxicant emotions? All emotions can be intoxicating, and all have the potential to be addictive. An addict, by at least one dictionary’s definition, "gives him or herself habitually or compulsively" to whatever becomes the "drug of choice". In this case we refer to the individual who is addicted to certain negative emotions that cause experiences that are intoxicating, and result in a mind-altered state of being.
Of course, just taking a drug or experiencing negative emotions does not automatically imply addiction. Today we generally use the term "addicted" in reference to a person who is experiencing "problems" in his or her life as a result of habitual and compulsive involvement with substances or behaviors.
Rarely do people have "problems" with positive emotions. Negative emotions, on the other hand, can be extremely destructive, extremely bad for your health and even deadly. Negative emotions are intoxicating feelings resulting from the body's production of certain secretions, or what we shall refer to as "chemicals" manufactured and released by various organs and/or glands.
We're all familiar with the "adrenaline rush" experience. Amusement park rides, horror movies and parachuting are but a few examples of activities producing "adrenaline rushes" for which we are willing to pay with our hard earned dollars. These experiences bring us face to face in real or contrived and imaginary situations with our own mortality. In short, we're scared. But we like it. And we will come back time and again for more, because the experience is "intoxicating".
The intoxication results from the adrenal glands secreting a chemical called epinephrine, more commonly referred to as adrenaline. It is addiction to chemicals or secretions similar to and including adrenaline that we shall refer to as "negative emotion addiction".
Let us examine a sampling of negative emotion addicts. This group of individuals experience many symptoms of drug addiction but do not necessarily, in the context in which we are discussing them, have a problem with overindulgence in alcohol or other drugs “ingested in the normal way we think of as “taking drugs.”
These individuals, commonly referred to as co-dependents, have become quite famous. And, that they do have a "problem" is a widely accepted fact. Unfortunately they are considered to have a problem for which they are not assigned exclusive ownership. This shared responsibility concept greatly limits their powers to heal themselves from what is in reality a chemical addiction and a disease of exclusive ownership.
Examining the concept of negative emotion addiction may appear to be a matter of semantics more than anything. And yes, it is true that we are exploring the impact of what we “call” a particular human condition normally referred to as “co-dependence.” But in this case what we “call” this condition might make a huge difference in how we combat the “problems” that arise from these particular behaviors. So let us take apart the dynamics of co-dependence and see if zeroing in more concisely on what is actually happening might help to redefine how to approach this very common condition.
First we must question how, indeed, a "co" disease could possibly exist? One either has a disease, or does not have a disease. It just isn't possible to share a disease or have someone else's disease. It is unfortunate and misleading that these individuals have been defined as having a "co" disease. Semantics? Yes. But in this case calling the problem by a misleading name can drastically stifle possibilities of recovery.
Dr. Daniel Budenz, a Southern California psychologist, worked for many years with alcoholics and drug abusers and their families and friends. He offers a more realistic solution to this problem and his hypothesis can help us to understand that a disease labeled "co" simply does not do justice to the real issues that one commonly referred to as "co" dependent experiences. Rather than referring to the problem as a "co-disease," Dr. Budenz attributes the dilemma to a series of specific negative feelings. These six emotions are: shame, guilt, worry, anger, resentment and self-pity. They involve secretions manufactured by the body, among them adrenaline. His theory explains that people who have experienced these emotions in their relationships with addicts or through other traumatic life experiences, have unwilling and unwittingly "used" and ultimately become addicted to the secretions associated with shame, guilt, worry, anger, resentment and self-pity.
This unconscious beginning is not unlike addiction to drugs from external sources. Addicts do not simply arise one morning and decide to destroy their lives by becoming dependent on dangerous substances. The beginning of any addiction is generally innocent; being motivated by a desire to simply feel good or not feel so bad. The early behaviors are seemingly innocuous and certainly unconscious.
Studies confirm that the chemicals we manufacture in our own bodies can be a thousand times more powerful than heroin. Certainly anyone who has experienced extreme rage, or crippling worry can report that every part of his or her body was involved in the emotion/s. Common symptoms that might occur with any of the six intoxicant emotions are: trembling, tingling, hyperventilation, light headedness, clammy hands, headache, inability to concentrate, digestive/intestinal distress, etc. Unless one is physically ill, these symptoms do not manifest without the presence of internally manufactured or externally induced chemicals that begin with and are induced by our thoughts. The chemicals are produced as the result of the mind reacting to a situation by unconsciously ordering the body to manufacture the chemicals in varying doses, which in turn affects one's consciousness in the same way as with the use of other mind-altering substances.
Based on Dr. Budenz' hypothesis, it would appear, then, that co-dependents are actually chemical dependents and should more realistically be referred to as addicts than as people having any kind of a “co” affliction. Addicts are resourceful and creative, and a practicing addict will devise ingenious schemes to obtain his or her drug of choice. Is it any wonder that the negative emotion addict will choose a life script rich in possibilities, or more appropriately probabilities, for experiencing these six intoxicant emotions?
Typically people addicted to intoxicant emotions are told instead that they are co- dependent and as such are cautioned that, or it is eluded to that they are addicted to the people in their lives. Perhaps if we consider the people to whom one supposedly is addicted as liken to the liquor store or the dealer, rather than the substance itself, we would have a better way to hold this disease that might accelerate recovery rather than keeping the intoxicant emotion addict in a cloud of confusion.
To say it is the "people" to whom we are addicted would be the same as to say an alcoholic is addicted to the liquor store rather than to the drug (liquor) that the liquor store provides the alcoholic, for a price. In the end, what people who are chemically dependent want is the effects of the chemical - the feeling of being distracted from the discomfort of reality. That the altered mental state might be uncomfortable as well, but in a different way than reality, seems to be of little interest to addicts. As long as reality is avoided, whatever serves that end is desirable.
To a cocaine addict, the dealer is the source or provider of the substance. The dealer gives the substance to the addict in exchange for something. To a negative emotion addict, the people to whom one supposedly is addicted can more realistically be likened to dealers who are providing a reasonable way for the addict to "use" or be provided with one or more of the six intoxicant emotions. For any addict, the end, which we could say is use of the chemical of choice, justifies the means; the "means" being the provider of the chemical. The chemical might be cocaine or it might be adrenaline. Whoever or whatever helps to provide the chemical is an enabler.
People commonly referred to as co-dependent are often also labeled as enablers to drug addicts because they often help the addict acquire the drugs. But even more often they facilitate the drug use by providing a haven, a reason for using, a scapegoat, and/or a protector. In the same way, a drug addict or alcoholic is an enabler for a negative emotion addict since the alcoholic or drug addict helps to provide the negative emotion addict with his or her drug of choice, in addition to providing a haven, a reason for negative emotions, a scapegoat and/or a protector.
A practicing negative emotion addict will often experience discomfort when his or her recovering alcoholic or drug addict either becomes sober, or in other ways ceases to create (provide) crisis. When the crisis stops, the negative emotion addict often feels at a loss. Many wonder if death feels like the nothingness they experience when not in crisis.
Withdrawal symptoms are common, including headache, agitation without reason, and depression. These feelings often come at a time when there is newfound peace in the household; at a time when logically one would experience relief from the high stress circumstances of living with a practicing alcoholic or drug addict. There is often an unconscious longing for the days of excitement - the familiar and distracting adrenaline rushes, for example. The negative emotion addict will often unconsciously antagonize the recovering alcoholic or addict, if he or she is still available, in order to perhaps instigate a relapse and restore the more familiar crisis filled lifestyle.
If their addict does not go back to using, the "co", with unbelievable frequency, is likely to find another addict or another life script that will provide them the familiar negative intoxicant emotions.
No surprise, then, in the story about the person who claims, "Just my luck, I've married four alcoholics in a row." This statement is often followed with the tongue in cheek statement, "Boy, I really know how to pick ’em." The tongue in cheek part tells the greatest truth of all for, indeed, the picking of four addicts in a row is a perfect record for a person hooked on intoxicant emotions. It is estimated that negative emotion addiction affects four times as many persons as alcoholism or drug abuse. These very large numbers cause the tendency toward denial to become an issue of far reaching social unconsciousness. It is not a bit surprising, therefore, that the "co" ness theory and label persist. The "co" ness theory in effect says, "I have this problem because of you. I would not have it if it weren't for you. I'm going to work on my own recovery and learn to be happy so I can cope with you, let you be, ignore you, leave you, love you, etc." The "co" concept provides diversion and confusion for an individual who is, in reality, addicted to internally produced chemicals and has perhaps been addicted to these intoxicant emotions for most of a lifetime. The word "co-dependent", while found in countless self-help books these days, is not found in most dictionaries. Perhaps this newly coined word defies logical definition. American Heritage defines "co": 1. With: Together, joint; jointly. 2. Partner or associate in an activity; subordinate or assistant. 3. To the same extent or degree. 4. Complement of an angle. American Heritage defines "dependent": 1. Contingent upon something or someone else. 2. Subordinate. 3. Relying on or requiring the aid of another for support. 4. Hanging down. One who relies on another for support. The sum of definitions for the label "co-dependent" implies the necessity of "other" involvement, leading us to believe that this disease does not exist outside of partnership. Is it any wonder that a visitor to an Alanon meeting will very often find the same people tearfully struggling with the same issues for years, often experiencing little movement toward serenity and recovery. Meanwhile his or her recovering addict may be happily enjoying sobriety and serenity, clear that their disease is a personal issue. The sanctioned addict, or we might say the person who we are "willing" to call an addict, has been afforded ownership rather than partnership in the matter. He or she can more easily work a recovery program because there is clarity with regard to who "owns" the disease. Taking the disease of "co-dependence" out of the category of a partner- ship disease is vitally important. The concept of intoxicant emotion addiction explains many aspects of addiction in general. For example, it is a commonly accepted fact that before a person uses "hard" drugs (cocaine, crack, etc.), they have usually used substances considered less threatening and more socially acceptable such as alcohol, marijuana or prescription drugs. In any recovery program, the newly sober addict is ALWAYS cautioned that use of these seemingly less dangerous chemicals while in recovery, will eventually lead to use of the harder drugs. Almost every addict who has relapsed will report that, before they called their cocaine dealer, they had been drinking alcohol, smoking marijuana and/or using prescription drugs.
If we consider the validity of Dr. Budenz' theory of addiction to intoxicant emotions and, if we can accept that each one of the six negative emotions involves powerful chemicals, we can also be 100% certain that before alcohol or other chemicals, one or more intoxicant emotions were experienced prior to a relapse to hard drugs. In other words, the very first link in the chain of addiction IS intoxicant emotions. This is acknowledged by the emphasis placed on prayers and slogans of Alcoholics Anonymous programs including Narcotics Anonymous, Alanon, etc. The importance of serenity in keeping sober is constantly stressed. The Serenity Prayer, for example: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. If truly taken to heart, this prayer will benefit anyone in preventing the use of intoxicant emotions. Slogans such as "Easy Does It" and "Let Go and Let God" support the need for the recovering alcoholic or addict to keep him or herself negative emotion free. But the program has not yet embraced in any broad sense the reality that negative emotion addiction lies beneath the more obvious addictions to alcohol and/or drugs.
When a drug addict or alcoholic is able to abstain from the chemicals associated with the six intoxicant emotions, the next step - a drink or seemingly innocent smoke of marijuana might be avoided, and the eventual use of harder drugs as well.
But is it possible to "abstain" from an emotion? Isn't that just what the doctor does NOT order? Wouldn't that be "stuffing" feelings? And isn't the attempt to avoid these negative emotions what drove the addict to drugs in the first place?
By not recognizing negative/intoxicant emotion addiction as a legitimate disease, we deny the power and the danger of chemicals we manufacture in our own bodies when we indulge in shame, guilt, worry, anger, resentment and self-pity. We fail to respect the unconscious state wherein we voluntarily and intentionally use these chemicals. If we do not acknowledge the possibility that we do, in fact, and for reasons our unconscious understands, create negativity in our lives, then we cannot take responsibility for creating the resultant negative emotions.
If we cannot acknowledge and take responsibility for our own negative feelings, how then can we hope to abstain from shame, guilt, worry, anger, resentment and self-pity, rather than stuffing these emotions, or in other ways, such as drug or alcohol abuse, avoiding them?
The key, as with any addiction, is first dealing with our denial. And, as with any addiction, getting past our denial involves acknowledging a number of realities. First that the drug of choice exists. If we cannot accept that the chemicals we manufacture in our own bodies are powerful mind-altering drugs, the next step is impossible.
But if we are able to acknowledge that the internally manufactured chemicals produce results similar to externally induced drugs, we can then accept that we are, in fact, involved in their use. With these first steps you can see why the challenge of acknowledging one's use of adrenaline, for example, as a drug, is greater than with other chemicals.
Most people would simply say, "No, I don't believe that the chemicals associated with shame, guilt, worry, anger, resentment and self-pity are mind-altering chemicals equivalent to drugs. And further I don't believe that I `use' those emotions. I may experience those negative emotions often, but I certainly don't choose to have them. I just can't help it. That's the way I am and the circumstances of my life are just my bad luck."
Similarly the alcoholic might say, "No, I don't believe alcohol is a drug at all. It's legal and everybody's drinking it. I just drink to relax when I get home from work and on weekends when I socialize. And besides I wouldn't drink it at all if they (he, she, it, boss, mother, brother, sister, dog) didn't aggravate me. But I certainly don't have a problem."
Denial is denial, regardless of the chemical. And the tendency. to want to give away responsibility for the denied condition will exist whether the addiction is to heroin or to one, several or all of the six intoxicant emotions. The simple, but not easy acceptance that the chemicals exist and that one does indulge is a beginning, certainly. The hardest part for most is that a problem exists because of one's use of the drug.
Is there any difference between the two statements that follow? I am powerless over cocaine and my life has become unmanageable.
I am powerless over intoxicant emotions and my life has become unmanageable.
Obviously, there is no difference. The similarities in the above statements are many. And perhaps one of the most important similarities is that the process for recovery is the same for both. Or can be if one chooses to consider this theory as valid and useful.
One must abstain. In order to abstain from the intoxicant emotions, shame, guilt, worry, anger, resentment and self-pity, it is necessary to be able to identify feelings. Rather than stuffing one's emotions, or becoming unconscious about them, we must learn to call each emotion by its proper name. When experiencing resentment, for example, one must know the difference between what one thinks about what he or she feels, and what is actually felt. The critical aspect here is to learn the difference (very clearly) between thoughts and feelings.
To feel gut twisting resentment and state, "I feel like you've made me look stupid," is to deny the feeling by mental distraction and transference of ownership to the other person. This way of experiencing our intoxicant emotions will not allow us to abstain because we cannot own the emotion while trying to give it away with thoughts that its someone else’s problem.
Consider this perhaps more effective way of abstaining from an intoxicant emotion. "I feel resentful. I feel it in my gut and my chest. Resentment is one of the intoxicant emotions to which I am addicted. I can choose to continue to indulge myself in resentment or just say no. I am not a victim. I have the power within me to choose to not use resentment (and it’s associated chemicals) - just for today. I am aware that I will not be more effective in this situation if I choose to hold on to this resentment than I will be if I instead choose to let the resentment go and abstain from it - just for today."
As you can see, rather than stuffing feelings, one must be very clear about exactly what one is, in fact, feeling. One must be very clear about who is responsible for the feeling, and who chooses to accept or not accept the chemicals associated with whatever intoxicant emotion has been identified.
"I am powerless over cocaine and my life has become unmanageable." While in this dilemma "choice" seems remote or impossible for the cocaine addict. By virtue of our powerlessness, "choice" does not appear to be an option. But at this exact turning point of acknowledgement of powerlessness, one's power to "choose" is mysteriously restored.
Again, the similarity, "I am powerless over intoxicant emotions and my life has become unmanageable." The mystical aspects of recovery are set into motion when one's powerlessness is acknowledged. This phenomenon is truly mystical. The shift that takes place cannot be explained. When the energy to hold on to the emotion is released, the resultant personal power an individual will experience cannot be explained in any scientific terms. At this moment of truth, the addict, regardless of his or her chemical of choice, becomes the master of the disease, rather than its victim. As master, the addict does, indeed, have the power to choose - to just say NO! This phenomenon is demonstrated by the millions of courageous and sober addicts and alcoholics who have taken the first step and acknowledged their powerlessness.
And what mysterious dynamics bring about the sudden shift from victim to master? The simple and magical concept – coming face to face with the truth.
Honest human beings who wouldn't think of lying on their tax return, cheating their employer out of 10 minutes of work time, or fabricating an insurance claim, are more than willing to lie about the things that affect their lives in the most intimate and profound ways. They are willing to lie about their feelings. They will tell you they feel happy when in deep depression; or tell you and themselves that they are in love and overjoyed about it, when they are in reality exhilarated with unconscious worry about being abandoned; abandonment being one of our earliest and most primal fears.
There is exhilaration because the chemicals the body produces from the unconscious fear of (worry about) abandonment will produce a rush of energy that can be called by a number of names such as love, terror, ecstasy, euphoria, happiness, misery, etc. The dilemma for the negative emotion addict is that he or she is both intentionally creating and rejecting negative emotions, while very often calling them by names totally unrelated to the actual feeling.
Again, consider the similarity to the cocaine addict, who consciously desires to use, while simultaneously attempting to resist his or her substance. As an example, consider just one of the six negative emotions; anger. Suppose a negative emotion addict is in a rage, with chemicals flowing wildly through his or her body. This addict will be going through much the same process as any drug user; at times being completely out of touch with everyone, swept away by the powerful emotions. Other people around at the time may be the target of the anger and/or might be assigned blame for it. Despite their seemingly essential part in the episode, they will, nonetheless, be disregarded. The enraged person will be in an ungrounded and unconscious state.
The desire to stop may be quite strong but the physical condition created by the overload of chemicals will make stopping difficult at the peak of the episode. Eventually there will be peace because, of course, no high lasts forever. When the scene is finished the negative emotion user will be remorseful and probably more negative emotions will develop, this time perhaps in the form of shame, guilt and self-pity. He or she may decide not to forgive the person who was the target of the rage and can "pocket" the drug "resentment", calling on it at a later time.
Forgiveness is not something a negative emotion user is likely to practice very often since forgiveness in most cases would eliminate the intoxicant emotion of resentment. If the relationship between the negative emotion user and the target of the rage is important, worry over the outcome of the relationship may also be experience.
As you can see, a single explosive episode can create an opportunity for a negative emotion addict to engage in all of the six intoxicant emotions. A comparison to extreme rage might be a "binge" with a variety of drinks and drugs being ingested in greater than usual quantities by a practicing alcoholic/addict. Anyone who has ever been close to a practicing alcoholic will confirm that the same dynamics exist when a certain level of alcohol is used, differing from individual to individual.
At some point in the episode the drinker will be out of touch. Even a nice drunk, who does not get violent, will not be "present" during some part of an episode. Others present with a drunk person will be disregarded, because it is impossible for an intoxicated person to truly connect with others while in a mind- altered state of unconsciousness. Typically alcoholics and addicts will assign blame for their drinking to someone else. If an alcoholic would or could stop to think about what's really happening, he or she will usually experience self loathing, wish to quit, but feel compelled to go on drinking. When the alcoholic sobers up, which eventually will happen in this case as well, he or she will usually experience feelings similar to the enraged, negative emotion addict. Remorse, shame and guilt are typical. By recognizing the similarities to alcohol and drug addiction, the negative emotion addict is able to see clearly what course of action can be beneficial in planning a recovery program.
The ambiguity of the term "co-dependent" tends to leave us at a loss for clear definition of the problem. It is impossible to solve a problem or heal a disease when one cannot accurately defined the problem or diagnosed the disease.
If a journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step, one must at least be clear about where they stand as they begin the journey and one should be clear about in which direction they hope to proceed. The first step in a recovery program is to acknowledge one's powerlessness over his or her drug of choice.
That's clear enough when the drug of choice is alcohol or cocaine. But what if the drug of choice is actually negative emotions and the addict is being led to believe that the addiction is to people, places and things? What shall this addict abstain from? What is he or she REALLY powerless over?
Powerlessness, the inability to consciously choose, and denial, the unwillingness to tell the truth, are inseparable factors in the pain of addiction. And these factors are equally present in addiction to intoxicant emotions as they are in addiction to cocaine, alcohol or prescription drugs. In order to become master over the disease of negative/intoxicant emotion addiction, one must go through the same steps as other addicts.
The first step in both cases is acknowledging the truth. In the case of the negative emotion addict, the truth is that the chemicals the body manufacturers are real. The user is compulsively and habitually giving the body unconscious signals to inject the chemicals into the system. The truth is that the negative feelings are familiar and unconsciously craved for their mind-altering qualities.
This may not be logical but truth lacks logic, sense of humor, compassion and drama. The truth is simply, the truth.
When denial is abandoned, and instead we choose to look directly at what is true, our powerlessness over intoxicant emotions begins to diminish immediately just as is the case with any other addiction. Choice suddenly becomes an option. The awareness that feelings can be chosen, rather than stuffed, distorted, denied or avoided by using chemicals, can lead us into a serene and happy way of life.
Having taken the first step, one can simply, but not easily, apply all the other steps, rules, slogans, prayers and programs that have already been proven effective by millions of recovering alcoholics and addicts for decades. It is true, there is nothing new under the sun. There are, however, new ways of holding old problems. Perhaps our willingness to see things in new ways is what enlightenment is all about.
Certainly a new way of defining one's self can create a major and very positive shift in one's ability to find new solutions to old dilemmas. Dr. Budenz' theory on negative emotions provides us a new way of holding the disease of "co-dependence" that can result in just such a shift. This new way of looking at an old problem has the potential to bring about the results we want – peace and happiness.
Judging from the huge numbers of books available at your local bookstores on the subject of “recovery" and all the movies and talk shows touching on sensitive psychological and spiritual issues, it appears that we are, indeed, living in an age of enlightenment.
Certainly there is no denying the tremendous progress humankind has made toward developing a saner, kinder, and more compassionate society. With all our progress, however, a little understood yet potentially deadly disease secretly afflicts a surprisingly huge number of us. The disease is addiction to "intoxicant emotions" – sometimes referred to as "adrenaline addiction" by professionals involved with "children of trauma" and/or "children of alcoholics."
This disease, however, is not yet a topic you are likely to see discussed on a network talk show. The computer at your local library will not present you an array of books on the subject, and, rest assured no one will invite you to an intervention or suggest you invite someone else to one.
What are intoxicant emotions? All emotions can be intoxicating, and all have the potential to be addictive. An addict, by at least one dictionary’s definition, "gives him or herself habitually or compulsively" to whatever becomes the "drug of choice". In this case we refer to the individual who is addicted to certain negative emotions that cause experiences that are intoxicating, and result in a mind-altered state of being.
Of course, just taking a drug or experiencing negative emotions does not automatically imply addiction. Today we generally use the term "addicted" in reference to a person who is experiencing "problems" in his or her life as a result of habitual and compulsive involvement with substances or behaviors.
Rarely do people have "problems" with positive emotions. Negative emotions, on the other hand, can be extremely destructive, extremely bad for your health and even deadly. Negative emotions are intoxicating feelings resulting from the body's production of certain secretions, or what we shall refer to as "chemicals" manufactured and released by various organs and/or glands.
We're all familiar with the "adrenaline rush" experience. Amusement park rides, horror movies and parachuting are but a few examples of activities producing "adrenaline rushes" for which we are willing to pay with our hard earned dollars. These experiences bring us face to face in real or contrived and imaginary situations with our own mortality. In short, we're scared. But we like it. And we will come back time and again for more, because the experience is "intoxicating".
The intoxication results from the adrenal glands secreting a chemical called epinephrine, more commonly referred to as adrenaline. It is addiction to chemicals or secretions similar to and including adrenaline that we shall refer to as "negative emotion addiction".
Let us examine a sampling of negative emotion addicts. This group of individuals experience many symptoms of drug addiction but do not necessarily, in the context in which we are discussing them, have a problem with overindulgence in alcohol or other drugs “ingested in the normal way we think of as “taking drugs.”
These individuals, commonly referred to as co-dependents, have become quite famous. And, that they do have a "problem" is a widely accepted fact. Unfortunately they are considered to have a problem for which they are not assigned exclusive ownership. This shared responsibility concept greatly limits their powers to heal themselves from what is in reality a chemical addiction and a disease of exclusive ownership.
Examining the concept of negative emotion addiction may appear to be a matter of semantics more than anything. And yes, it is true that we are exploring the impact of what we “call” a particular human condition normally referred to as “co-dependence.” But in this case what we “call” this condition might make a huge difference in how we combat the “problems” that arise from these particular behaviors. So let us take apart the dynamics of co-dependence and see if zeroing in more concisely on what is actually happening might help to redefine how to approach this very common condition.
First we must question how, indeed, a "co" disease could possibly exist? One either has a disease, or does not have a disease. It just isn't possible to share a disease or have someone else's disease. It is unfortunate and misleading that these individuals have been defined as having a "co" disease. Semantics? Yes. But in this case calling the problem by a misleading name can drastically stifle possibilities of recovery.
Dr. Daniel Budenz, a Southern California psychologist, worked for many years with alcoholics and drug abusers and their families and friends. He offers a more realistic solution to this problem and his hypothesis can help us to understand that a disease labeled "co" simply does not do justice to the real issues that one commonly referred to as "co" dependent experiences. Rather than referring to the problem as a "co-disease," Dr. Budenz attributes the dilemma to a series of specific negative feelings. These six emotions are: shame, guilt, worry, anger, resentment and self-pity. They involve secretions manufactured by the body, among them adrenaline. His theory explains that people who have experienced these emotions in their relationships with addicts or through other traumatic life experiences, have unwilling and unwittingly "used" and ultimately become addicted to the secretions associated with shame, guilt, worry, anger, resentment and self-pity.
This unconscious beginning is not unlike addiction to drugs from external sources. Addicts do not simply arise one morning and decide to destroy their lives by becoming dependent on dangerous substances. The beginning of any addiction is generally innocent; being motivated by a desire to simply feel good or not feel so bad. The early behaviors are seemingly innocuous and certainly unconscious.
Studies confirm that the chemicals we manufacture in our own bodies can be a thousand times more powerful than heroin. Certainly anyone who has experienced extreme rage, or crippling worry can report that every part of his or her body was involved in the emotion/s. Common symptoms that might occur with any of the six intoxicant emotions are: trembling, tingling, hyperventilation, light headedness, clammy hands, headache, inability to concentrate, digestive/intestinal distress, etc. Unless one is physically ill, these symptoms do not manifest without the presence of internally manufactured or externally induced chemicals that begin with and are induced by our thoughts. The chemicals are produced as the result of the mind reacting to a situation by unconsciously ordering the body to manufacture the chemicals in varying doses, which in turn affects one's consciousness in the same way as with the use of other mind-altering substances.
Based on Dr. Budenz' hypothesis, it would appear, then, that co-dependents are actually chemical dependents and should more realistically be referred to as addicts than as people having any kind of a “co” affliction. Addicts are resourceful and creative, and a practicing addict will devise ingenious schemes to obtain his or her drug of choice. Is it any wonder that the negative emotion addict will choose a life script rich in possibilities, or more appropriately probabilities, for experiencing these six intoxicant emotions?
Typically people addicted to intoxicant emotions are told instead that they are co- dependent and as such are cautioned that, or it is eluded to that they are addicted to the people in their lives. Perhaps if we consider the people to whom one supposedly is addicted as liken to the liquor store or the dealer, rather than the substance itself, we would have a better way to hold this disease that might accelerate recovery rather than keeping the intoxicant emotion addict in a cloud of confusion.
To say it is the "people" to whom we are addicted would be the same as to say an alcoholic is addicted to the liquor store rather than to the drug (liquor) that the liquor store provides the alcoholic, for a price. In the end, what people who are chemically dependent want is the effects of the chemical - the feeling of being distracted from the discomfort of reality. That the altered mental state might be uncomfortable as well, but in a different way than reality, seems to be of little interest to addicts. As long as reality is avoided, whatever serves that end is desirable.
To a cocaine addict, the dealer is the source or provider of the substance. The dealer gives the substance to the addict in exchange for something. To a negative emotion addict, the people to whom one supposedly is addicted can more realistically be likened to dealers who are providing a reasonable way for the addict to "use" or be provided with one or more of the six intoxicant emotions. For any addict, the end, which we could say is use of the chemical of choice, justifies the means; the "means" being the provider of the chemical. The chemical might be cocaine or it might be adrenaline. Whoever or whatever helps to provide the chemical is an enabler.
People commonly referred to as co-dependent are often also labeled as enablers to drug addicts because they often help the addict acquire the drugs. But even more often they facilitate the drug use by providing a haven, a reason for using, a scapegoat, and/or a protector. In the same way, a drug addict or alcoholic is an enabler for a negative emotion addict since the alcoholic or drug addict helps to provide the negative emotion addict with his or her drug of choice, in addition to providing a haven, a reason for negative emotions, a scapegoat and/or a protector.
A practicing negative emotion addict will often experience discomfort when his or her recovering alcoholic or drug addict either becomes sober, or in other ways ceases to create (provide) crisis. When the crisis stops, the negative emotion addict often feels at a loss. Many wonder if death feels like the nothingness they experience when not in crisis.
Withdrawal symptoms are common, including headache, agitation without reason, and depression. These feelings often come at a time when there is newfound peace in the household; at a time when logically one would experience relief from the high stress circumstances of living with a practicing alcoholic or drug addict. There is often an unconscious longing for the days of excitement - the familiar and distracting adrenaline rushes, for example. The negative emotion addict will often unconsciously antagonize the recovering alcoholic or addict, if he or she is still available, in order to perhaps instigate a relapse and restore the more familiar crisis filled lifestyle.
If their addict does not go back to using, the "co", with unbelievable frequency, is likely to find another addict or another life script that will provide them the familiar negative intoxicant emotions.
No surprise, then, in the story about the person who claims, "Just my luck, I've married four alcoholics in a row." This statement is often followed with the tongue in cheek statement, "Boy, I really know how to pick ’em." The tongue in cheek part tells the greatest truth of all for, indeed, the picking of four addicts in a row is a perfect record for a person hooked on intoxicant emotions. It is estimated that negative emotion addiction affects four times as many persons as alcoholism or drug abuse. These very large numbers cause the tendency toward denial to become an issue of far reaching social unconsciousness. It is not a bit surprising, therefore, that the "co" ness theory and label persist. The "co" ness theory in effect says, "I have this problem because of you. I would not have it if it weren't for you. I'm going to work on my own recovery and learn to be happy so I can cope with you, let you be, ignore you, leave you, love you, etc." The "co" concept provides diversion and confusion for an individual who is, in reality, addicted to internally produced chemicals and has perhaps been addicted to these intoxicant emotions for most of a lifetime. The word "co-dependent", while found in countless self-help books these days, is not found in most dictionaries. Perhaps this newly coined word defies logical definition. American Heritage defines "co": 1. With: Together, joint; jointly. 2. Partner or associate in an activity; subordinate or assistant. 3. To the same extent or degree. 4. Complement of an angle. American Heritage defines "dependent": 1. Contingent upon something or someone else. 2. Subordinate. 3. Relying on or requiring the aid of another for support. 4. Hanging down. One who relies on another for support. The sum of definitions for the label "co-dependent" implies the necessity of "other" involvement, leading us to believe that this disease does not exist outside of partnership. Is it any wonder that a visitor to an Alanon meeting will very often find the same people tearfully struggling with the same issues for years, often experiencing little movement toward serenity and recovery. Meanwhile his or her recovering addict may be happily enjoying sobriety and serenity, clear that their disease is a personal issue. The sanctioned addict, or we might say the person who we are "willing" to call an addict, has been afforded ownership rather than partnership in the matter. He or she can more easily work a recovery program because there is clarity with regard to who "owns" the disease. Taking the disease of "co-dependence" out of the category of a partner- ship disease is vitally important. The concept of intoxicant emotion addiction explains many aspects of addiction in general. For example, it is a commonly accepted fact that before a person uses "hard" drugs (cocaine, crack, etc.), they have usually used substances considered less threatening and more socially acceptable such as alcohol, marijuana or prescription drugs. In any recovery program, the newly sober addict is ALWAYS cautioned that use of these seemingly less dangerous chemicals while in recovery, will eventually lead to use of the harder drugs. Almost every addict who has relapsed will report that, before they called their cocaine dealer, they had been drinking alcohol, smoking marijuana and/or using prescription drugs.
If we consider the validity of Dr. Budenz' theory of addiction to intoxicant emotions and, if we can accept that each one of the six negative emotions involves powerful chemicals, we can also be 100% certain that before alcohol or other chemicals, one or more intoxicant emotions were experienced prior to a relapse to hard drugs. In other words, the very first link in the chain of addiction IS intoxicant emotions. This is acknowledged by the emphasis placed on prayers and slogans of Alcoholics Anonymous programs including Narcotics Anonymous, Alanon, etc. The importance of serenity in keeping sober is constantly stressed. The Serenity Prayer, for example: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. If truly taken to heart, this prayer will benefit anyone in preventing the use of intoxicant emotions. Slogans such as "Easy Does It" and "Let Go and Let God" support the need for the recovering alcoholic or addict to keep him or herself negative emotion free. But the program has not yet embraced in any broad sense the reality that negative emotion addiction lies beneath the more obvious addictions to alcohol and/or drugs.
When a drug addict or alcoholic is able to abstain from the chemicals associated with the six intoxicant emotions, the next step - a drink or seemingly innocent smoke of marijuana might be avoided, and the eventual use of harder drugs as well.
But is it possible to "abstain" from an emotion? Isn't that just what the doctor does NOT order? Wouldn't that be "stuffing" feelings? And isn't the attempt to avoid these negative emotions what drove the addict to drugs in the first place?
By not recognizing negative/intoxicant emotion addiction as a legitimate disease, we deny the power and the danger of chemicals we manufacture in our own bodies when we indulge in shame, guilt, worry, anger, resentment and self-pity. We fail to respect the unconscious state wherein we voluntarily and intentionally use these chemicals. If we do not acknowledge the possibility that we do, in fact, and for reasons our unconscious understands, create negativity in our lives, then we cannot take responsibility for creating the resultant negative emotions.
If we cannot acknowledge and take responsibility for our own negative feelings, how then can we hope to abstain from shame, guilt, worry, anger, resentment and self-pity, rather than stuffing these emotions, or in other ways, such as drug or alcohol abuse, avoiding them?
The key, as with any addiction, is first dealing with our denial. And, as with any addiction, getting past our denial involves acknowledging a number of realities. First that the drug of choice exists. If we cannot accept that the chemicals we manufacture in our own bodies are powerful mind-altering drugs, the next step is impossible.
But if we are able to acknowledge that the internally manufactured chemicals produce results similar to externally induced drugs, we can then accept that we are, in fact, involved in their use. With these first steps you can see why the challenge of acknowledging one's use of adrenaline, for example, as a drug, is greater than with other chemicals.
Most people would simply say, "No, I don't believe that the chemicals associated with shame, guilt, worry, anger, resentment and self-pity are mind-altering chemicals equivalent to drugs. And further I don't believe that I `use' those emotions. I may experience those negative emotions often, but I certainly don't choose to have them. I just can't help it. That's the way I am and the circumstances of my life are just my bad luck."
Similarly the alcoholic might say, "No, I don't believe alcohol is a drug at all. It's legal and everybody's drinking it. I just drink to relax when I get home from work and on weekends when I socialize. And besides I wouldn't drink it at all if they (he, she, it, boss, mother, brother, sister, dog) didn't aggravate me. But I certainly don't have a problem."
Denial is denial, regardless of the chemical. And the tendency. to want to give away responsibility for the denied condition will exist whether the addiction is to heroin or to one, several or all of the six intoxicant emotions. The simple, but not easy acceptance that the chemicals exist and that one does indulge is a beginning, certainly. The hardest part for most is that a problem exists because of one's use of the drug.
Is there any difference between the two statements that follow? I am powerless over cocaine and my life has become unmanageable.
I am powerless over intoxicant emotions and my life has become unmanageable.
Obviously, there is no difference. The similarities in the above statements are many. And perhaps one of the most important similarities is that the process for recovery is the same for both. Or can be if one chooses to consider this theory as valid and useful.
One must abstain. In order to abstain from the intoxicant emotions, shame, guilt, worry, anger, resentment and self-pity, it is necessary to be able to identify feelings. Rather than stuffing one's emotions, or becoming unconscious about them, we must learn to call each emotion by its proper name. When experiencing resentment, for example, one must know the difference between what one thinks about what he or she feels, and what is actually felt. The critical aspect here is to learn the difference (very clearly) between thoughts and feelings.
To feel gut twisting resentment and state, "I feel like you've made me look stupid," is to deny the feeling by mental distraction and transference of ownership to the other person. This way of experiencing our intoxicant emotions will not allow us to abstain because we cannot own the emotion while trying to give it away with thoughts that its someone else’s problem.
Consider this perhaps more effective way of abstaining from an intoxicant emotion. "I feel resentful. I feel it in my gut and my chest. Resentment is one of the intoxicant emotions to which I am addicted. I can choose to continue to indulge myself in resentment or just say no. I am not a victim. I have the power within me to choose to not use resentment (and it’s associated chemicals) - just for today. I am aware that I will not be more effective in this situation if I choose to hold on to this resentment than I will be if I instead choose to let the resentment go and abstain from it - just for today."
As you can see, rather than stuffing feelings, one must be very clear about exactly what one is, in fact, feeling. One must be very clear about who is responsible for the feeling, and who chooses to accept or not accept the chemicals associated with whatever intoxicant emotion has been identified.
"I am powerless over cocaine and my life has become unmanageable." While in this dilemma "choice" seems remote or impossible for the cocaine addict. By virtue of our powerlessness, "choice" does not appear to be an option. But at this exact turning point of acknowledgement of powerlessness, one's power to "choose" is mysteriously restored.
Again, the similarity, "I am powerless over intoxicant emotions and my life has become unmanageable." The mystical aspects of recovery are set into motion when one's powerlessness is acknowledged. This phenomenon is truly mystical. The shift that takes place cannot be explained. When the energy to hold on to the emotion is released, the resultant personal power an individual will experience cannot be explained in any scientific terms. At this moment of truth, the addict, regardless of his or her chemical of choice, becomes the master of the disease, rather than its victim. As master, the addict does, indeed, have the power to choose - to just say NO! This phenomenon is demonstrated by the millions of courageous and sober addicts and alcoholics who have taken the first step and acknowledged their powerlessness.
And what mysterious dynamics bring about the sudden shift from victim to master? The simple and magical concept – coming face to face with the truth.
Honest human beings who wouldn't think of lying on their tax return, cheating their employer out of 10 minutes of work time, or fabricating an insurance claim, are more than willing to lie about the things that affect their lives in the most intimate and profound ways. They are willing to lie about their feelings. They will tell you they feel happy when in deep depression; or tell you and themselves that they are in love and overjoyed about it, when they are in reality exhilarated with unconscious worry about being abandoned; abandonment being one of our earliest and most primal fears.
There is exhilaration because the chemicals the body produces from the unconscious fear of (worry about) abandonment will produce a rush of energy that can be called by a number of names such as love, terror, ecstasy, euphoria, happiness, misery, etc. The dilemma for the negative emotion addict is that he or she is both intentionally creating and rejecting negative emotions, while very often calling them by names totally unrelated to the actual feeling.
Again, consider the similarity to the cocaine addict, who consciously desires to use, while simultaneously attempting to resist his or her substance. As an example, consider just one of the six negative emotions; anger. Suppose a negative emotion addict is in a rage, with chemicals flowing wildly through his or her body. This addict will be going through much the same process as any drug user; at times being completely out of touch with everyone, swept away by the powerful emotions. Other people around at the time may be the target of the anger and/or might be assigned blame for it. Despite their seemingly essential part in the episode, they will, nonetheless, be disregarded. The enraged person will be in an ungrounded and unconscious state.
The desire to stop may be quite strong but the physical condition created by the overload of chemicals will make stopping difficult at the peak of the episode. Eventually there will be peace because, of course, no high lasts forever. When the scene is finished the negative emotion user will be remorseful and probably more negative emotions will develop, this time perhaps in the form of shame, guilt and self-pity. He or she may decide not to forgive the person who was the target of the rage and can "pocket" the drug "resentment", calling on it at a later time.
Forgiveness is not something a negative emotion user is likely to practice very often since forgiveness in most cases would eliminate the intoxicant emotion of resentment. If the relationship between the negative emotion user and the target of the rage is important, worry over the outcome of the relationship may also be experience.
As you can see, a single explosive episode can create an opportunity for a negative emotion addict to engage in all of the six intoxicant emotions. A comparison to extreme rage might be a "binge" with a variety of drinks and drugs being ingested in greater than usual quantities by a practicing alcoholic/addict. Anyone who has ever been close to a practicing alcoholic will confirm that the same dynamics exist when a certain level of alcohol is used, differing from individual to individual.
At some point in the episode the drinker will be out of touch. Even a nice drunk, who does not get violent, will not be "present" during some part of an episode. Others present with a drunk person will be disregarded, because it is impossible for an intoxicated person to truly connect with others while in a mind- altered state of unconsciousness. Typically alcoholics and addicts will assign blame for their drinking to someone else. If an alcoholic would or could stop to think about what's really happening, he or she will usually experience self loathing, wish to quit, but feel compelled to go on drinking. When the alcoholic sobers up, which eventually will happen in this case as well, he or she will usually experience feelings similar to the enraged, negative emotion addict. Remorse, shame and guilt are typical. By recognizing the similarities to alcohol and drug addiction, the negative emotion addict is able to see clearly what course of action can be beneficial in planning a recovery program.
The ambiguity of the term "co-dependent" tends to leave us at a loss for clear definition of the problem. It is impossible to solve a problem or heal a disease when one cannot accurately defined the problem or diagnosed the disease.
If a journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step, one must at least be clear about where they stand as they begin the journey and one should be clear about in which direction they hope to proceed. The first step in a recovery program is to acknowledge one's powerlessness over his or her drug of choice.
That's clear enough when the drug of choice is alcohol or cocaine. But what if the drug of choice is actually negative emotions and the addict is being led to believe that the addiction is to people, places and things? What shall this addict abstain from? What is he or she REALLY powerless over?
Powerlessness, the inability to consciously choose, and denial, the unwillingness to tell the truth, are inseparable factors in the pain of addiction. And these factors are equally present in addiction to intoxicant emotions as they are in addiction to cocaine, alcohol or prescription drugs. In order to become master over the disease of negative/intoxicant emotion addiction, one must go through the same steps as other addicts.
The first step in both cases is acknowledging the truth. In the case of the negative emotion addict, the truth is that the chemicals the body manufacturers are real. The user is compulsively and habitually giving the body unconscious signals to inject the chemicals into the system. The truth is that the negative feelings are familiar and unconsciously craved for their mind-altering qualities.
This may not be logical but truth lacks logic, sense of humor, compassion and drama. The truth is simply, the truth.
When denial is abandoned, and instead we choose to look directly at what is true, our powerlessness over intoxicant emotions begins to diminish immediately just as is the case with any other addiction. Choice suddenly becomes an option. The awareness that feelings can be chosen, rather than stuffed, distorted, denied or avoided by using chemicals, can lead us into a serene and happy way of life.
Having taken the first step, one can simply, but not easily, apply all the other steps, rules, slogans, prayers and programs that have already been proven effective by millions of recovering alcoholics and addicts for decades. It is true, there is nothing new under the sun. There are, however, new ways of holding old problems. Perhaps our willingness to see things in new ways is what enlightenment is all about.
Certainly a new way of defining one's self can create a major and very positive shift in one's ability to find new solutions to old dilemmas. Dr. Budenz' theory on negative emotions provides us a new way of holding the disease of "co-dependence" that can result in just such a shift. This new way of looking at an old problem has the potential to bring about the results we want – peace and happiness.
INTOXICANT EMOTIONS
Judging from the huge numbers of books available at your local bookstores on the subject of “recovery" and all the movies and talk shows touching on sensitive psychological and spiritual issues, it appears that we are, indeed, living in an age of enlightenment.
Certainly there is no denying the tremendous progress humankind has made toward developing a saner, kinder, and more compassionate society. With all our progress, however, a little understood yet potentially deadly disease secretly afflicts a surprisingly huge number of us. The disease is addiction to "intoxicant emotions" – sometimes referred to as "adrenaline addiction" by professionals involved with "children of trauma" and/or "children of alcoholics."
This disease, however, is not yet a topic you are likely to see discussed on a network talk show. The computer at your local library will not present you an array of books on the subject, and, rest assured no one will invite you to an intervention or suggest you invite someone else to one.
What are intoxicant emotions? All emotions can be intoxicating, and all have the potential to be addictive. An addict, by at least one dictionary’s definition, "gives him or herself habitually or compulsively" to whatever becomes the "drug of choice". In this case we refer to the individual who is addicted to certain negative emotions that cause experiences that are intoxicating, and result in a mind-altered state of being.
Of course, just taking a drug or experiencing negative emotions does not automatically imply addiction. Today we generally use the term "addicted" in reference to a person who is experiencing "problems" in his or her life as a result of habitual and compulsive involvement with substances or behaviors.
Rarely do people have "problems" with positive emotions. Negative emotions, on the other hand, can be extremely destructive, extremely bad for your health and even deadly. Negative emotions are intoxicating feelings resulting from the body's production of certain secretions, or what we shall refer to as "chemicals" manufactured and released by various organs and/or glands.
We're all familiar with the "adrenaline rush" experience. Amusement park rides, horror movies and parachuting are but a few examples of activities producing "adrenaline rushes" for which we are willing to pay with our hard earned dollars. These experiences bring us face to face in real or contrived and imaginary situations with our own mortality. In short, we're scared. But we like it. And we will come back time and again for more, because the experience is "intoxicating".
The intoxication results from the adrenal glands secreting a chemical called epinephrine, more commonly referred to as adrenaline. It is addiction to chemicals or secretions similar to and including adrenaline that we shall refer to as "negative emotion addiction".
Let us examine a sampling of negative emotion addicts. This group of individuals experience many symptoms of drug addiction but do not necessarily, in the context in which we are discussing them, have a problem with overindulgence in alcohol or other drugs “ingested in the normal way we think of as “taking drugs.”
These individuals, commonly referred to as co-dependents, have become quite famous. And, that they do have a "problem" is a widely accepted fact. Unfortunately they are considered to have a problem for which they are not assigned exclusive ownership. This shared responsibility concept greatly limits their powers to heal themselves from what is in reality a chemical addiction and a disease of exclusive ownership.
Examining the concept of negative emotion addiction may appear to be a matter of semantics more than anything. And yes, it is true that we are exploring the impact of what we “call” a particular human condition normally referred to as “co-dependence.” But in this case what we “call” this condition might make a huge difference in how we combat the “problems” that arise from these particular behaviors. So let us take apart the dynamics of co-dependence and see if zeroing in more concisely on what is actually happening might help to redefine how to approach this very common condition.
First we must question how, indeed, a "co" disease could possibly exist? One either has a disease, or does not have a disease. It just isn't possible to share a disease or have someone else's disease. It is unfortunate and misleading that these individuals have been defined as having a "co" disease. Semantics? Yes. But in this case calling the problem by a misleading name can drastically stifle possibilities of recovery.
Dr. Daniel Budenz, a Southern California psychologist, worked for many years with alcoholics and drug abusers and their families and friends. He offers a more realistic solution to this problem and his hypothesis can help us to understand that a disease labeled "co" simply does not do justice to the real issues that one commonly referred to as "co" dependent experiences. Rather than referring to the problem as a "co-disease," Dr. Budenz attributes the dilemma to a series of specific negative feelings. These six emotions are: shame, guilt, worry, anger, resentment and self-pity. They involve secretions manufactured by the body, among them adrenaline. His theory explains that people who have experienced these emotions in their relationships with addicts or through other traumatic life experiences, have unwilling and unwittingly "used" and ultimately become addicted to the secretions associated with shame, guilt, worry, anger, resentment and self-pity.
This unconscious beginning is not unlike addiction to drugs from external sources. Addicts do not simply arise one morning and decide to destroy their lives by becoming dependent on dangerous substances. The beginning of any addiction is generally innocent; being motivated by a desire to simply feel good or not feel so bad. The early behaviors are seemingly innocuous and certainly unconscious.
Studies confirm that the chemicals we manufacture in our own bodies can be a thousand times more powerful than heroin. Certainly anyone who has experienced extreme rage, or crippling worry can report that every part of his or her body was involved in the emotion/s. Common symptoms that might occur with any of the six intoxicant emotions are: trembling, tingling, hyperventilation, light headedness, clammy hands, headache, inability to concentrate, digestive/intestinal distress, etc. Unless one is physically ill, these symptoms do not manifest without the presence of internally manufactured or externally induced chemicals that begin with and are induced by our thoughts. The chemicals are produced as the result of the mind reacting to a situation by unconsciously ordering the body to manufacture the chemicals in varying doses, which in turn affects one's consciousness in the same way as with the use of other mind-altering substances.
Based on Dr. Budenz' hypothesis, it would appear, then, that co-dependents are actually chemical dependents and should more realistically be referred to as addicts than as people having any kind of a “co” affliction. Addicts are resourceful and creative, and a practicing addict will devise ingenious schemes to obtain his or her drug of choice. Is it any wonder that the negative emotion addict will choose a life script rich in possibilities, or more appropriately probabilities, for experiencing these six intoxicant emotions?
Typically people addicted to intoxicant emotions are told instead that they are co- dependent and as such are cautioned that, or it is eluded to that they are addicted to the people in their lives. Perhaps if we consider the people to whom one supposedly is addicted as liken to the liquor store or the dealer, rather than the substance itself, we would have a better way to hold this disease that might accelerate recovery rather than keeping the intoxicant emotion addict in a cloud of confusion.
To say it is the "people" to whom we are addicted would be the same as to say an alcoholic is addicted to the liquor store rather than to the drug (liquor) that the liquor store provides the alcoholic, for a price. In the end, what people who are chemically dependent want is the effects of the chemical - the feeling of being distracted from the discomfort of reality. That the altered mental state might be uncomfortable as well, but in a different way than reality, seems to be of little interest to addicts. As long as reality is avoided, whatever serves that end is desirable.
To a cocaine addict, the dealer is the source or provider of the substance. The dealer gives the substance to the addict in exchange for something. To a negative emotion addict, the people to whom one supposedly is addicted can more realistically be likened to dealers who are providing a reasonable way for the addict to "use" or be provided with one or more of the six intoxicant emotions. For any addict, the end, which we could say is use of the chemical of choice, justifies the means; the "means" being the provider of the chemical. The chemical might be cocaine or it might be adrenaline. Whoever or whatever helps to provide the chemical is an enabler.
People commonly referred to as co-dependent are often also labeled as enablers to drug addicts because they often help the addict acquire the drugs. But even more often they facilitate the drug use by providing a haven, a reason for using, a scapegoat, and/or a protector. In the same way, a drug addict or alcoholic is an enabler for a negative emotion addict since the alcoholic or drug addict helps to provide the negative emotion addict with his or her drug of choice, in addition to providing a haven, a reason for negative emotions, a scapegoat and/or a protector.
A practicing negative emotion addict will often experience discomfort when his or her recovering alcoholic or drug addict either becomes sober, or in other ways ceases to create (provide) crisis. When the crisis stops, the negative emotion addict often feels at a loss. Many wonder if death feels like the nothingness they experience when not in crisis.
Withdrawal symptoms are common, including headache, agitation without reason, and depression. These feelings often come at a time when there is newfound peace in the household; at a time when logically one would experience relief from the high stress circumstances of living with a practicing alcoholic or drug addict. There is often an unconscious longing for the days of excitement - the familiar and distracting adrenaline rushes, for example. The negative emotion addict will often unconsciously antagonize the recovering alcoholic or addict, if he or she is still available, in order to perhaps instigate a relapse and restore the more familiar crisis filled lifestyle.
If their addict does not go back to using, the "co", with unbelievable frequency, is likely to find another addict or another life script that will provide them the familiar negative intoxicant emotions.
No surprise, then, in the story about the person who claims, "Just my luck, I've married four alcoholics in a row." This statement is often followed with the tongue in cheek statement, "Boy, I really know how to pick ’em." The tongue in cheek part tells the greatest truth of all for, indeed, the picking of four addicts in a row is a perfect record for a person hooked on intoxicant emotions. It is estimated that negative emotion addiction affects four times as many persons as alcoholism or drug abuse. These very large numbers cause the tendency toward denial to become an issue of far reaching social unconsciousness. It is not a bit surprising, therefore, that the "co" ness theory and label persist. The "co" ness theory in effect says, "I have this problem because of you. I would not have it if it weren't for you. I'm going to work on my own recovery and learn to be happy so I can cope with you, let you be, ignore you, leave you, love you, etc." The "co" concept provides diversion and confusion for an individual who is, in reality, addicted to internally produced chemicals and has perhaps been addicted to these intoxicant emotions for most of a lifetime. The word "co-dependent", while found in countless self-help books these days, is not found in most dictionaries. Perhaps this newly coined word defies logical definition. American Heritage defines "co": 1. With: Together, joint; jointly. 2. Partner or associate in an activity; subordinate or assistant. 3. To the same extent or degree. 4. Complement of an angle. American Heritage defines "dependent": 1. Contingent upon something or someone else. 2. Subordinate. 3. Relying on or requiring the aid of another for support. 4. Hanging down. One who relies on another for support. The sum of definitions for the label "co-dependent" implies the necessity of "other" involvement, leading us to believe that this disease does not exist outside of partnership. Is it any wonder that a visitor to an Alanon meeting will very often find the same people tearfully struggling with the same issues for years, often experiencing little movement toward serenity and recovery. Meanwhile his or her recovering addict may be happily enjoying sobriety and serenity, clear that their disease is a personal issue. The sanctioned addict, or we might say the person who we are "willing" to call an addict, has been afforded ownership rather than partnership in the matter. He or she can more easily work a recovery program because there is clarity with regard to who "owns" the disease. Taking the disease of "co-dependence" out of the category of a partner- ship disease is vitally important. The concept of intoxicant emotion addiction explains many aspects of addiction in general. For example, it is a commonly accepted fact that before a person uses "hard" drugs (cocaine, crack, etc.), they have usually used substances considered less threatening and more socially acceptable such as alcohol, marijuana or prescription drugs. In any recovery program, the newly sober addict is ALWAYS cautioned that use of these seemingly less dangerous chemicals while in recovery, will eventually lead to use of the harder drugs. Almost every addict who has relapsed will report that, before they called their cocaine dealer, they had been drinking alcohol, smoking marijuana and/or using prescription drugs.
If we consider the validity of Dr. Budenz' theory of addiction to intoxicant emotions and, if we can accept that each one of the six negative emotions involves powerful chemicals, we can also be 100% certain that before alcohol or other chemicals, one or more intoxicant emotions were experienced prior to a relapse to hard drugs. In other words, the very first link in the chain of addiction IS intoxicant emotions. This is acknowledged by the emphasis placed on prayers and slogans of Alcoholics Anonymous programs including Narcotics Anonymous, Alanon, etc. The importance of serenity in keeping sober is constantly stressed. The Serenity Prayer, for example: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. If truly taken to heart, this prayer will benefit anyone in preventing the use of intoxicant emotions. Slogans such as "Easy Does It" and "Let Go and Let God" support the need for the recovering alcoholic or addict to keep him or herself negative emotion free. But the program has not yet embraced in any broad sense the reality that negative emotion addiction lies beneath the more obvious addictions to alcohol and/or drugs.
When a drug addict or alcoholic is able to abstain from the chemicals associated with the six intoxicant emotions, the next step - a drink or seemingly innocent smoke of marijuana might be avoided, and the eventual use of harder drugs as well.
But is it possible to "abstain" from an emotion? Isn't that just what the doctor does NOT order? Wouldn't that be "stuffing" feelings? And isn't the attempt to avoid these negative emotions what drove the addict to drugs in the first place?
By not recognizing negative/intoxicant emotion addiction as a legitimate disease, we deny the power and the danger of chemicals we manufacture in our own bodies when we indulge in shame, guilt, worry, anger, resentment and self-pity. We fail to respect the unconscious state wherein we voluntarily and intentionally use these chemicals. If we do not acknowledge the possibility that we do, in fact, and for reasons our unconscious understands, create negativity in our lives, then we cannot take responsibility for creating the resultant negative emotions.
If we cannot acknowledge and take responsibility for our own negative feelings, how then can we hope to abstain from shame, guilt, worry, anger, resentment and self-pity, rather than stuffing these emotions, or in other ways, such as drug or alcohol abuse, avoiding them?
The key, as with any addiction, is first dealing with our denial. And, as with any addiction, getting past our denial involves acknowledging a number of realities. First that the drug of choice exists. If we cannot accept that the chemicals we manufacture in our own bodies are powerful mind-altering drugs, the next step is impossible.
But if we are able to acknowledge that the internally manufactured chemicals produce results similar to externally induced drugs, we can then accept that we are, in fact, involved in their use. With these first steps you can see why the challenge of acknowledging one's use of adrenaline, for example, as a drug, is greater than with other chemicals.
Most people would simply say, "No, I don't believe that the chemicals associated with shame, guilt, worry, anger, resentment and self-pity are mind-altering chemicals equivalent to drugs. And further I don't believe that I `use' those emotions. I may experience those negative emotions often, but I certainly don't choose to have them. I just can't help it. That's the way I am and the circumstances of my life are just my bad luck."
Similarly the alcoholic might say, "No, I don't believe alcohol is a drug at all. It's legal and everybody's drinking it. I just drink to relax when I get home from work and on weekends when I socialize. And besides I wouldn't drink it at all if they (he, she, it, boss, mother, brother, sister, dog) didn't aggravate me. But I certainly don't have a problem."
Denial is denial, regardless of the chemical. And the tendency. to want to give away responsibility for the denied condition will exist whether the addiction is to heroin or to one, several or all of the six intoxicant emotions. The simple, but not easy acceptance that the chemicals exist and that one does indulge is a beginning, certainly. The hardest part for most is that a problem exists because of one's use of the drug.
Is there any difference between the two statements that follow? I am powerless over cocaine and my life has become unmanageable.
I am powerless over intoxicant emotions and my life has become unmanageable.
Obviously, there is no difference. The similarities in the above statements are many. And perhaps one of the most important similarities is that the process for recovery is the same for both. Or can be if one chooses to consider this theory as valid and useful.
One must abstain. In order to abstain from the intoxicant emotions, shame, guilt, worry, anger, resentment and self-pity, it is necessary to be able to identify feelings. Rather than stuffing one's emotions, or becoming unconscious about them, we must learn to call each emotion by its proper name. When experiencing resentment, for example, one must know the difference between what one thinks about what he or she feels, and what is actually felt. The critical aspect here is to learn the difference (very clearly) between thoughts and feelings.
To feel gut twisting resentment and state, "I feel like you've made me look stupid," is to deny the feeling by mental distraction and transference of ownership to the other person. This way of experiencing our intoxicant emotions will not allow us to abstain because we cannot own the emotion while trying to give it away with thoughts that its someone else’s problem.
Consider this perhaps more effective way of abstaining from an intoxicant emotion. "I feel resentful. I feel it in my gut and my chest. Resentment is one of the intoxicant emotions to which I am addicted. I can choose to continue to indulge myself in resentment or just say no. I am not a victim. I have the power within me to choose to not use resentment (and it’s associated chemicals) - just for today. I am aware that I will not be more effective in this situation if I choose to hold on to this resentment than I will be if I instead choose to let the resentment go and abstain from it - just for today."
As you can see, rather than stuffing feelings, one must be very clear about exactly what one is, in fact, feeling. One must be very clear about who is responsible for the feeling, and who chooses to accept or not accept the chemicals associated with whatever intoxicant emotion has been identified.
"I am powerless over cocaine and my life has become unmanageable." While in this dilemma "choice" seems remote or impossible for the cocaine addict. By virtue of our powerlessness, "choice" does not appear to be an option. But at this exact turning point of acknowledgement of powerlessness, one's power to "choose" is mysteriously restored.
Again, the similarity, "I am powerless over intoxicant emotions and my life has become unmanageable." The mystical aspects of recovery are set into motion when one's powerlessness is acknowledged. This phenomenon is truly mystical. The shift that takes place cannot be explained. When the energy to hold on to the emotion is released, the resultant personal power an individual will experience cannot be explained in any scientific terms. At this moment of truth, the addict, regardless of his or her chemical of choice, becomes the master of the disease, rather than its victim. As master, the addict does, indeed, have the power to choose - to just say NO! This phenomenon is demonstrated by the millions of courageous and sober addicts and alcoholics who have taken the first step and acknowledged their powerlessness.
And what mysterious dynamics bring about the sudden shift from victim to master? The simple and magical concept – coming face to face with the truth.
Honest human beings who wouldn't think of lying on their tax return, cheating their employer out of 10 minutes of work time, or fabricating an insurance claim, are more than willing to lie about the things that affect their lives in the most intimate and profound ways. They are willing to lie about their feelings. They will tell you they feel happy when in deep depression; or tell you and themselves that they are in love and overjoyed about it, when they are in reality exhilarated with unconscious worry about being abandoned; abandonment being one of our earliest and most primal fears.
There is exhilaration because the chemicals the body produces from the unconscious fear of (worry about) abandonment will produce a rush of energy that can be called by a number of names such as love, terror, ecstasy, euphoria, happiness, misery, etc. The dilemma for the negative emotion addict is that he or she is both intentionally creating and rejecting negative emotions, while very often calling them by names totally unrelated to the actual feeling.
Again, consider the similarity to the cocaine addict, who consciously desires to use, while simultaneously attempting to resist his or her substance. As an example, consider just one of the six negative emotions; anger. Suppose a negative emotion addict is in a rage, with chemicals flowing wildly through his or her body. This addict will be going through much the same process as any drug user; at times being completely out of touch with everyone, swept away by the powerful emotions. Other people around at the time may be the target of the anger and/or might be assigned blame for it. Despite their seemingly essential part in the episode, they will, nonetheless, be disregarded. The enraged person will be in an ungrounded and unconscious state.
The desire to stop may be quite strong but the physical condition created by the overload of chemicals will make stopping difficult at the peak of the episode. Eventually there will be peace because, of course, no high lasts forever. When the scene is finished the negative emotion user will be remorseful and probably more negative emotions will develop, this time perhaps in the form of shame, guilt and self-pity. He or she may decide not to forgive the person who was the target of the rage and can "pocket" the drug "resentment", calling on it at a later time.
Forgiveness is not something a negative emotion user is likely to practice very often since forgiveness in most cases would eliminate the intoxicant emotion of resentment. If the relationship between the negative emotion user and the target of the rage is important, worry over the outcome of the relationship may also be experience.
As you can see, a single explosive episode can create an opportunity for a negative emotion addict to engage in all of the six intoxicant emotions. A comparison to extreme rage might be a "binge" with a variety of drinks and drugs being ingested in greater than usual quantities by a practicing alcoholic/addict. Anyone who has ever been close to a practicing alcoholic will confirm that the same dynamics exist when a certain level of alcohol is used, differing from individual to individual.
At some point in the episode the drinker will be out of touch. Even a nice drunk, who does not get violent, will not be "present" during some part of an episode. Others present with a drunk person will be disregarded, because it is impossible for an intoxicated person to truly connect with others while in a mind- altered state of unconsciousness. Typically alcoholics and addicts will assign blame for their drinking to someone else. If an alcoholic would or could stop to think about what's really happening, he or she will usually experience self loathing, wish to quit, but feel compelled to go on drinking. When the alcoholic sobers up, which eventually will happen in this case as well, he or she will usually experience feelings similar to the enraged, negative emotion addict. Remorse, shame and guilt are typical. By recognizing the similarities to alcohol and drug addiction, the negative emotion addict is able to see clearly what course of action can be beneficial in planning a recovery program.
The ambiguity of the term "co-dependent" tends to leave us at a loss for clear definition of the problem. It is impossible to solve a problem or heal a disease when one cannot accurately defined the problem or diagnosed the disease.
If a journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step, one must at least be clear about where they stand as they begin the journey and one should be clear about in which direction they hope to proceed. The first step in a recovery program is to acknowledge one's powerlessness over his or her drug of choice.
That's clear enough when the drug of choice is alcohol or cocaine. But what if the drug of choice is actually negative emotions and the addict is being led to believe that the addiction is to people, places and things? What shall this addict abstain from? What is he or she REALLY powerless over?
Powerlessness, the inability to consciously choose, and denial, the unwillingness to tell the truth, are inseparable factors in the pain of addiction. And these factors are equally present in addiction to intoxicant emotions as they are in addiction to cocaine, alcohol or prescription drugs. In order to become master over the disease of negative/intoxicant emotion addiction, one must go through the same steps as other addicts.
The first step in both cases is acknowledging the truth. In the case of the negative emotion addict, the truth is that the chemicals the body manufacturers are real. The user is compulsively and habitually giving the body unconscious signals to inject the chemicals into the system. The truth is that the negative feelings are familiar and unconsciously craved for their mind-altering qualities.
This may not be logical but truth lacks logic, sense of humor, compassion and drama. The truth is simply, the truth.
When denial is abandoned, and instead we choose to look directly at what is true, our powerlessness over intoxicant emotions begins to diminish immediately just as is the case with any other addiction. Choice suddenly becomes an option. The awareness that feelings can be chosen, rather than stuffed, distorted, denied or avoided by using chemicals, can lead us into a serene and happy way of life.
Having taken the first step, one can simply, but not easily, apply all the other steps, rules, slogans, prayers and programs that have already been proven effective by millions of recovering alcoholics and addicts for decades. It is true, there is nothing new under the sun. There are, however, new ways of holding old problems. Perhaps our willingness to see things in new ways is what enlightenment is all about.
Certainly a new way of defining one's self can create a major and very positive shift in one's ability to find new solutions to old dilemmas. Dr. Budenz' theory on negative emotions provides us a new way of holding the disease of "co-dependence" that can result in just such a shift. This new way of looking at an old problem has the potential to bring about the results we want – peace and happiness.
